


This Christmas

by ECMZ



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: AU - Meteor Shower, Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Bad Ending, Christmas, Depression, Established Relationship, F/F, Hello Happy World has already disbanded here but they stick together, Hurt No Comfort, I didn't mean to write MisaKanon angst for Christmas I'm so sorry, I don't care if that's not a valid AU or a rename of another. I make the rules, I'm so sorry Misaki, Identity Issues, One of the Suits appears in here because they deserve more attention ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28329459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ECMZ/pseuds/ECMZ
Summary: In just 24 hours, Kanon Matsubara's attempt at making her world smile — Hello, Happy World!'s members  — doesn't go as planned.
Relationships: Matsubara Kanon/Okusawa Misaki
Kudos: 20





	This Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> CW: depression, hospitals and identity issues

Over a century ago at exactly midnight countless meteors filled the skies without warning.

Astrophysicists and astronomers at the time scrambled for cause and meaning as philosophers wrote the event into their works, even in the modern century. For one panic-filled day mankind feared the worst as preachers and prayers swarmed the streets in an attempt to both warn and calm crowds. But when the next midnight struck the orange and white skies cleared as trails of fire either dissipated in search of another planet or shriveled up, much like the preachers' voices. 

From there on, once every year in seemingly random days it resurfaced: some have been recorded happening during holidays, where the occasion became celebrated more intensely, and cherished and hailed as a day of luck and good fortune. Although the showers' cause was sometimes twisted into a warning for impending doom — things like Y2K, 2012 phenomenon, and the 2020 pandemics for example — its reputation as a day to sit back and admire an otherwise impossible event outclassed its more pessimistic implications.

For the century that followed, Humanity's most brilliant minds always failed to find answers to the arguably natural phenomenon which robbed everyone of words and shaped Humanity's extremely small understanding of the vast empty space around them at the time, when theories about the Universe were just barely gaining interest. The only answers obtained from years of exhaustive investigation and nitpicking were that meteors and comets mingled together during the showers, not just meteors. But since until that point it was called a 'meteor shower' there was no need to swap names.

Moving back to present times: this year would be different. It'd be regarded as one of the more important ones for the occasion: it marked 100 years since the first time the sky was painted with glorious orange and white; this alone gave news channels an opportunity to change up their yearly approach on the matter, but when researchers quickly revealed it'd also be taking place on Christmas, meaning the same day as the year prior, thus marking the first time in history it took place during the same day twice even the smaller media outlets rushed to widespread the news in an attempt at stardom and recognition. 

Kanon's interest in the event was once purely aesthetical with no real emotional value though she understood why some held the sight dear to their hearts. Maybe it served as a source of inspiration. Maybe it represented a connection between two people. Maybe it represented an undying memory, forever present. An ever present sense of familiarity.

But her opinion changed when Hello, Happy World! rolled around and introduced a peculiar DJ into her life.

Kokoro's passion for astronomy helped gain slash increase the band's collective interest in the meteor showers, which played a major role in the band's creation according to her. The event served as a big inspiration toward most of the music produced during the four admittingly short years of its existence and one of them was entirely based on it but she sang about stars instead of meteors, something Misaki refused to point out and correct during composition. 

Every single day they spent together watching the comets and meteors slowly come and go, painting the skies with streaks of elegant golden oranges as they contrasted with the sunset in their wake, were never taken for granted; Kanon knew that there would come the day where doing this would be a distant memory unable to be repeated.

She just didn't expect the end to arrive so soon. Nostalgia gripped her heart every time her eyes fell upon the countless photos strewn around her room as memories came flooding back to simpler times, where worries about what the future held for them were trivial because all that tomorrow held were the many things the band wished to achieve. 

Despite that, their goal of making the whole world smile would be forever left unfinished. But to Kanon... 

Kokoro's silent excitement, Hagumi's awestruck expression, Kaoru's fleeting quotes muttered quietly, and Misaki...

Misaki's relieved expression, hand wrapped around her own tightly...

...to Kanon, her goal of making the world smile had been accomplished so many times. 

*** 

December 25th. 

Kanon woke up to her phone repeatedly blaring incoherently before her palm met the screen with force in an attempt to stop the constant noise. When it kept playing seemingly quicker and louder than before she forced herself to creak one eye open and let out a groan as she grabbed it to find the culprit behind her phone waking her up at the early hours of 10 AM. 

One quick glance at her bright screen revealed her her alarm wasn't behind this crime against humanity, and another one blamed the group chat consisting of the ex-members of Hello, Happy World! going off about how exciting the day would be behind the racket. The sudden change in temperature from her blankets to the outside world almost threatened to freeze her arm entirely, so she quickly snatched the phone from the counter and shoved it back inside the safety of her covers. 

Kaoru's many long paragraphs on the joys of Christmas and importance of spending time with others were being drowned out by Kokoro and Hagumi's garble of words that could only be amounted to slamming all the keys on a keyboard in pure excitement. As much as she wished to join in on the action she spared the thought for when breakfast was over.

...

Was getting out of bed always this difficult without the welcoming smell of passable breakfast and burnt toast? 

The room's stale walls and messy organization stared back at Kanon, curious about what her next move would be. A half-empty ramen noodle cup sat atop a rotting table, on a rotting floor covered up in uneven places by items of dirty and clean clothing scattered around. The photos of better times plastered around the house felt like a grim reminder that change was always around the corner, welcome or unwelcome. 

Messy hair rose from the pillow as Kanon left the comfort of her blankets soon after, wishing to avoid hitting her midlife crisis at early twenties at the cost of clattering teeth and insufferable cold. Checking her phone again out of habit proved futile as a barrage of emojis flooded her screen, but on second thought dealing with that was better than the risk of what waited for her in the deepest depths of her mind. In the meantime she popped two slices into the toaster and waited for the feared clang.

  
**[hello, happy world's biggest fans (kokoro were literally the band members) (BUT ITS FUNNIER LIKE THIS) (oh my god)]**

**[tsururmaki kOKOR]:** R WE WATCHING THE M TOGETHER

 **[tsururmaki koKOR]:** pleasSE KANO N RESPOODN @Matsubara K. 

**[tsururmaki koKOR]:** guys sh ahasn respond ed 4 10 mitutes do i cakl her

 **[kitazawa h.]:** UMMMm DO U THINK SHES STILL SLEPEIN

  
Kaoru's last message was around five minutes ago... Kanon had a distinct feeling a specific someone was hogging up her time or she ran out of paragraphs to write.

  
**[Matsubara K.]:** I only bothered to check my phone now, sorry! Good morning 

**[tsururmaki kOKOR]:** OMG SEHSH O DNDG JDGBNN

 **[tsururmaki kOKOR]:** SHES ON HAUGMI HSHESO N 

**[kitazawa h.]:** HIIIIIIII CAN WE ASK YOU SOEMTHING VERY IMPORTANT PELASE

[Matsubara K.]: What is it? 

**[tsururmaki kOKOR]:** ARE WE GONNW WATCH THE STASR AS SUUAL

 **[tsururmaki kOKOR]:** ive been lOOKNG FORWARD to doing it with everoyne

 **[Matsubara K.]:** Sure! My schedule's cleared out today so...

 **[kitazawa h.]:** UMMM cna u also tell michelle to come? i really wanna see her

  
...

  
**[Matsubara K.]:** I'll try! 

**[Matsubara K.]:** I have to go make breakfast now, but I'll see if I can contact Michelle! 

Kanon shut off the phone's screen and set it on the counter and serving herself before toast became charcoal. There were many components missing to make it a hearty breakfast but she wasn't really in the mood for eating much right now. 

Hagumi's message played infinitely inside her mind and almost ruined her appetite entirely. They couldn't tell Misaki apart from Michelle although they were able to recognize they were separate from each other, even if the DJ had been through Hell every time she put on the costume. She made others happy by going the extra mile with them even when she didn't have to and simply waved off those efforts as doable by anyone, and a sign of Misaki's low self-confidence. But...

Could have there been some truth to her words? 

Nobody was able to make others happy the same way Misaki had. Her time spent playing Michelle and bringing cheer to others was nothing short of extraordinary, and only now did Kanon realize just how tedious it might've been to spend hours and hours inside it, performing concerts and carrying an extra heavy burden of being the band's mascot. No matter how closely someone impersonated Michelle, Misaki was always going to be the de facto person for the role. 

The temperature in the room seemed to plummet further at the outlandish thought Kanon's brain came up with, almost as if punishing her. Asking herself if the others would be okay with it was never an option: they never figured out Misaki was playing as Michelle. None would be the wiser to it except herself. 

Was this... okay? 

Did she really want to risk ruining the definition of comfort and safety in an attempt to fulfill a request by playing a role unfit for her? 

...it's not like she could drag Misaki from that bed and have her do it. Even if she wished she could.

Kanon ignored the remaining slice of toast and took fearful steps unto the second closet in her house and took a shaky breath before gripping its doorknob and opening it. 

Inside lay Michelle and its many outfits. 

Michelle and its many outfits collecting dust from nearly a year untouched, head unceremoniously separated from its body as an old roomy smell infiltrated Kanon's nostrils. The costume's eyes glimmered in the dark, illuminated by faint ambient light but looked on dully as they stared back at Kanon.  
  
_"You're not Misaki."_

The head fell from the top of the closet right into Kanon's arms who barely caught it. She had to force back tears and prevent herself from collapsing to the ground in that very moment when shaky legs nearly surrendered to fear and heart-crushing longing. 

Putting it on was an entirely different feeling. The inside smelled of old and dust, of sweat from days long gone, of countless heat strokes and DJ records, of countless concerts, of...

Misaki. 

The inside smelled of Misaki. 

A single tear escaped its confines before Kanon removed the head to wipe her face furiously and set the head gently on the ground, dragging the costume out to get a better look at it. 

It was dusty and still extremely fluffy with a barely noticeable duller pink than usual and its inside filled with modifications and changes to make the warm interior and amount of moving for a few hours just bearable, courtesy of the Tsurumaki heiress. The memory of trying on the suit and immediately wanting out of it brought a bittersweet smile to her face as the thought of doing it again while once ironic, was now some messed up way of honoring the DJ. 

Getting the suit on all by herself took some effort but five minutes later and all that was left was placing the head. Kanon let out a pleased sigh as the suit protected her from the morning frostbite made up of sunset and guilt, and the head completed it. The dusty smell was stronger but so was the lingering one of scratched disks and the one she considered home. 

Physically, Michelle fit her perfectly. Misaki was only barely taller than her and every proportion down to the finger placement felt right, like she was meant to be wearing this almost half a decade ago. Psychologically, acting out Michelle felt nigh impossible. 

There were so many things wrong with this. Kanon couldn't scratch decks, or last hours inside a portable desert during the evenings. She couldn't bring smiles to others' faces the same way Michelle had. Misaki's movements were always precise and exuding confidence meant to inspire others while Kanon's were all messy and incoherent, just trying to live. Her improvement on the drums was noticeable to anyone but her. 

But this isn't about performing in front of others anymore, is it? It's about making the world smile. Her world. 

If Misaki were watching right now, maybe she'd forgive Kanon just this once. 

Forgive Kanon for being an impersonator of the true Michelle in the name of others' happiness. If not, then she would gladly live with the guilt and deal with it by herself and promptly apologize to the others regardless of whether they knew why she was apologizing or not.

Maybe Hagumi and her solemn glares at Michelle way back, when her family had gotten a Bad Day, would pick up on the identity fraud. 

Maybe Kaoru would have nothing left to quote and look on in deathly silence as the former prince of Haneoka wished to offer sympathy with no clear way on how to do so. 

Maybe Kokoro's smile would crumble into unsalvageable ash only useful as plant fertilizer, watching on as everything began to click together and have her world come undone.

Whatever the case, thinking on the bright side was a thing for the Kanon in the past. The ever-lasting feeling of homesickness had consumed her entirely and all that remained was a pessimistic mindset until her home came back to embrace her. 

She took the suit off until it was time for the former band to meet up at Kokoro's at 4 PM, eating the remaining slice of toast for lunch and wearing Michelle once more as she ventured to the outside word with cotton paws marking the snow underneath her. 

***

Hagumi had to guide "Michelle" to the manor with an excited glint in her eyes but Kanon couldn't help notice some other underlying emotion behind it. 

The enormous double doors of the manor opened and "Michelle" was welcomed with a barrage of smiles and hugs that sent her toppling to the ground.

"MICHEEEEEEEEEEELLE!" Kokoro tightly wrapped her arms around the mascot and nuzzled its chest. "It's been so long! Where have you been?! We've all missed you!" 

"I've...I've been planning to come visit you all f-for some time now!" The head almost flew off, she can't do this. 

"And so we all meet again reunited at the queen's castle and graced with your presence, where longing takes its leave and beckons joy's arrival. How fleeting..." Kaoru muttered while holding a single rose in her mouth, most likely for "Michelle." 

"Speaking of which, where's Kanon? We need her here too, she misses you so much!" Kokoro looked to Hagumi for answers, who shrugged and subsequently cast everyone's gazes on "Michelle." 

Fuck.

"Um...sh-she took over for me!" "Michelle" spouted out after 15 seconds of nothing but silence. "So I could come and...see you. She s-s-said she'd be here with us soon, though!" 

Their attentive and pensive gazes almost lit Kanon on fire. If Kokoro, Hagumi and Kaoru caught on the higher pitched voice, the shakily pronounced lie and anxious mannerisms, they didn't show nor express it.

"Alright! We'll wait for her in the meantime." Hagumi exclaimed from beside "Michelle" and looked onto the clinging Kokoro. "Can we keep playing on the Wii, Kokoron?!" 

"Mhm! We can teach Michelle how to play Mario Party, too!" 

From the corner of Kanon's eye she saw Kaoru shiver with masked panic. "I-indeed... let us fight for guts and glory in a game of wealth and stars come together to decide the winner." 

A long evening awaited Kanon and "Michelle."

Until around 7 PM there was nothing else but videogames, loud laughter of young adults and many, _many_ games of Mario Party that nearly drove Kaoru six feet under. Kanon had only a vague understanding of each game they went through which meant "Michelle" had the same vague understanding that was out of character: Kanon had seen just how much Michelle held back for the sake of letting others win last year and totalled it up to dumb luck, something she both agreed and disagreed on when it came to the minigames.   
  
It got easier and easier to move around in the suit as time went on even if the Wiimote felt too small on her plush hands but it made the experience bearable. The first few problems only really arrived when Kokoro pulled out a Wii Balance Board from seemingly nowhere and left "Michelle" at the mercy of its compatible games for half an hour. In that agonizing time she cursed herself for getting too comfortable in the suit as its inside heated up more with each movement, and by the end of it all she once again understood why Misaki was always so eager to pop the head off and revel in how the cool air felt against her sweat slick skin. Both herself and the suit would need a shower when it came time to go back home. 

Hagumi and Kokoro's physical prowess were put to the test and they were both on almost equal terms when it came to most games. Hagumi's athletic build outperformed Kokoro's natural skills just enough where she couldn't get too comfortable, and Kaoru wasn't too far behind on them. 

It was often at times like these Kanon considered exercising daily if it meant getting in on their fun without tiring out too quick.

There were plans made for dinner, something Kanon dreaded in the current shape she was in. Just before the food was served she had "Michelle" make up some run of the mill excuse and ditch the suit temporarily in exchange for eating with the others as Kanon and not some doppelganger. Luckily with the help of the excuse made when she first arrived they all welcomed Kanon with open arms (and sending her falling to the ground once more.)

The delicious food did wonders in lifting Kanon's spirits and washing away some of the exhaustion that came with moving your own weight and that of a pink bear. As selfless as she liked to think she was, she'd kill to eat the food that came out of the Tsurumaki kitchen every single day. 

With Kanon present and satisfied stomachs, dessert was filled with laughter yet again as they waited for when the time came to visit The Lake. 

"Hmmm, so!" Kokoro chimed loudly, getting everyone's attention. "Does anyone wanna head there right now? I think there's a festival to celebrate the shower!" 

"We can do that! I'm kinda curious to see what things people are selling. I wanna get something for all of us!" Hagumi slapped her hands over her mouth like she just confessed to a crime. 

"Alas, a busy man is a happy man." Kaoru got up to quote but changed her posture soon after. "Exploring some of the familiar locations and local shops could help us enjoy the main event better." 

"A-actually..."

Everyone looked to Kanon.

"Can I join y-you guys later? At The Lake? There's something I want t-to do first..." 

"What might that be, dear Kanon?" 

"I... I want to go see Misaki-chan." 

Silence.

None of their expressions changed except for Kaoru's and Kanon's, understanding and pleading respectfully. Kokoro only nodded with her usual expression and Hagumi chose to look away. 

"I-it's fine if I c-can't! If you want me to go w-with you then—"

"Nay." Kaoru interrupted her right away, putting a hand on Kanon's shoulder briefly. "You can go. We'll all be waiting for you at the usual spot and should you come back sooner we'll find you." 

When Kanon looked up to meet Kaoru, she had a small smile on her face that said 'it's okay, really. Please don't beat yourself up over it' and Kanon was at a loss for words. 

If Kaoru sensed the desperation and immediate regret laced all over voice then the other two did too, judging by their silence. Christmas was the day to spend time with others and share feelings of happiness, and Kanon chose to ruin it for everybody. 

Nonetheless she rose from her chair, thanked Kaoru silently and waved to the other two before leaving. 

"Kanon Matsubara." 

Just before she turned the entrance's doorknob all the way, Kanon turned around and was met with one of the Suits holding Michelle, extending it toward her. 

"Before you forget, here is Michelle. It would be a shame if she went missing." 

She released her grip from the knob and held onto the pink bear, and after some quick assistance Kanon was back inside with only the head left to place. "Thanks." 

"You're welcome." 

Kanon managed to open the door entirely before she heard the voice from behind her again.

"What you're doing right now isn't out of malice, it's out of care. You aren't committing some unforgivable act or disrespecting anybody. There's some bigger burden bothering you beyond wearing that suit and I won't go any further beyond saying you're only doing what you can. I think she would want you out of the suit for better reasons than to scold you for considering such a thing." 

Footsteps clicked and echoed throughout the massive halls before the room fell into silence again and by the time Kanon snapped out of her thoughts the voice already went elsewhere. 

Covering her head with the sparkling eyes of Michelle, she left the Tsurumaki manor and mulled over the Suit's words in the comforting confines of Michelle. 

***

The local hospital already recognized Michelle thanks to the shows they put on for Akari so getting in and receiving access to most patient rooms wasn't the hard part. That was reserved for what she came here for. 

"Oh, Michelle! How can we help you tonight?" The nurse behind the counter smiled. "It's been a long time, hasn't it?" 

"It has..." "Michelle" laughed weakly, looking around to make sure nobody was listening in. "It's not...M-Michelle. It's Kanon."

The nurse's expression wavered momentarily. "Ah, Kanon! You're here to see her, right?" 

A nod.

The click clack of keyboard keys. "You still remember the room, right?" 

"How is she doing...?" 

"...she still hasn't shown any signs of waking up. We've gotten a few involuntary movements here and there but nothing noteworthy. According to doctors the closest thing to good news was some unusual brain activity, and they're unsure whether she'll wake up or not."

"I...see. I'm s-sorry to waste your time." Kanon looked down and let her legs run on autopilot as they lead her to room 205.

On the way toward the room she was both surprised and confused at how even the receptionist nurse couldn't figure out someone else was inside Michelle. If anything it made her feel like the only people who knew her real identity were herself and others who figured it out by process of elimination or simply saw Misaki inside. 

Life worked in mysterious ways. 

Her visitor card clipped onto some of the fur earned a few odd looks from adults and gleeful ones from children, but she chose to ignore them in favor of avoiding a rabbit hole she wouldn't be able to crawl herself out of and risk destroying their image on the fluffy pink bear. 

A few more steps later and room 205 was in her reach. 

The walk felt painfully short when she went inside.

Looking at what always awaited her never got any easier.

Misaki laid on one of the hospital's many beds hooked up to multiple machines to help her survive. Heartrate monitor, respirator, a machine meant to monitor her brain activity according to one of the doctors, and an IV drip on her left forearm. Her torso was covered entirely by a flimsy sheet that barely protected her sleeping body from the cold, with only both her arms and her head peeking out. 

"Hey...Misaki-chan." 

The suit muffled her silent voice, and the room's walls compressed it into something completely inaudible by no one else but the two people inside. Kanon ripped the bear's head from its place and let it unceremoniously roll over on the floor, discarded momentarily. 

"I-I hope you're doing alright! Me and the others are gonna go watch the meteors soon, e-even though it's been coming down all day... what about you?" 

All that came back were the lifeless beeps of the heartrate monitor. A healthy 85 bpm. 

"Did you g-get to see them at least? A few of them?" 

Beep. Beep. 

"..."

Beep.

The window's curtains covered the spectacle happening outside. Kanon went over and moved them aside to reveal endless streaks of orange and white and then adjusted Misaki's head accordingly to let her "gaze outside" without moving too much of the equipment around. 

"Look! Isn't it p-pretty?" 

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

"It... reminds me of last Christmas. W-we both went off on our own somewhere else because you had something t-to give me." 

A bench was set near the bed. Much like the pink head the rest of the suit was discarded. It was starting to feel suffocating in there. Much more suffocating than a few hours ago. Kanon soon sat on it. 

"A Christmas gift. Something special to r-remember you by. But you had nothing on you!"

A short laugh. 

"S-so I was reasonably confused. But then y-you said you were my gift. And y-you... you told me you loved me." 

Rain was beginning to form inside the hospital room. 

"That the meteors... th-the stars reminded you of me every time you saw them, even if Kokoro-chan was the one obsessed with them. They brought you peace, you said, and I br-brought peace to you. They were b-beautiful like me, that I was beautiful." 

Water hit the ground in quick intervals. 

"Then... you pulled something out of nowhere and... gave me a jellyfish. My very own felt jellyfish!, to r-r-remember... you by." 

Kanon gripped Misaki's hand with both her own and brought it close to her own chest, unable to stop herself from crying any longer. 

"I... I miss you. It's hard waking up every day expecting you to be there but you aren't. I'm left with holding your gift as close to me as I can and now I—" 

Pink. 

"I'm stealing a... a part of you by tricking them into thinking Michelle is still here. I feel awful. One of the Suits told me I did a great job but... Michelle doesn't feel like Michelle without you inside it." 

Words were lost on her as Kanon desperately glared at Misaki's expression for any change, to hope those hypnotizing grey orbs revealed themselves to the world once more, to hear her voice in person instead of relying on recordings and compositions. 

And in that moment

nothing came back except the sounds of lifeless beeping and soft breaths.

  
Before she knew it her eyes were bloodshot and a pounding headache made her lose track of how much time she spent there hoping for a miracle. 

But there are no miracles in this world. Take away hopeful fantasies and all you're left with are dumb luck and harsh reality. 

A nurse had to bring Kanon to attention and warn her visiting hours were almost about to end, giving her around 5 minutes to sort all her things and leave. She pulled out the rose Kaoru had given "Michelle" when she arrived at the manor and wrapped it around Misaki's right hand before getting ready to don the bear costume once more. 

"Merry Christmas, Misaki-ch—"

"...Misaki." 

She left with heavy eyes and light footsteps, trekking down the hospital hallways to meet up with the rest. The clock on the wall read 10:55 PM. 

***

Kanon forced herself to run all the way from the hospital to the usual meetup spot but was forced into walking when her legs nearly gave out and her lungs burned and filled with frostbite. By the time she made it back to them it was 11:30 PM, half an hour before the spectacle went out. 

"S-sorry I'm late..." "Michelle" moaned out with hands on her knees trying to regain her composure after extreme physical exertion. How the hell had Misaki managed to move around so much inside this thing for hours at a time? Better yet, how had she found the motivation to do daily? 

"You made it, Michelle!" Kokoro excitedly pointed up at the sky and jumped like a child. "Look, look! It's still so pretty after all this time!" 

"The hero's climactic arrival just before their time is up! So fleeting..." Kaoru raised her hand for dramatic flair and quickly went back to looking upwards while leaning on the railing. 

"D'you think we'll ever be able to touch them?" Hagumi pointed at the skies. 

"Of course! I'll make it work someday for all of us, and it'll be amazing!" Kokoro replied. "I'll see if I can get Hina interested." 

"Michelle" and Kanon looked up, and...

Pitch black was invaded with countless oranges and whites, some darker and some brighter than others. Some of the comets grazing the Earth's atmosphere would split into smaller pieces and end up forming a sight that kept on giving as meteors and meteoroids periodically fizzled out into quiet embers. There was no corner left undecorated; rocks covered every single possible corner around the planet made of dirt and water. The thought of any one of them causing property damage or human casualties was completely ignored in favor of celebrating the holidays with friends and family to the glorious sight of shooting stars, and Kanon overheard some kids theorizing about how it's gifts falling from above and being delivered to every home with good kids while the naughty ones get the coal that burnt up and fell from the sky.

The other three had long stopped talking in favor of enjoying the moment in mutual silence, leaning on the railing separating land from lake and gazing upward. In all four years they had come here they saw the same thing every time, but it never got old. Kanon wondered if Misaki felt the same way, too. If she was able to see how tantalizing the skies were as constellations became barely noticeable blips on the radar that was the exosphere, and if it all reminded her of long blue hair tied up into a ponytail. 

The whites reminded her of Misaki's comfortable but lazy clothing that made her feel like home at all times hiding defined muscles that promised to hold anyone close like the world depended on it, and grey orbs that never failed to deprive Kanon of oxygen and want to get lost in them with no way out. The black skies reminded her of Misaki gloomy, pessimistic attitude that was chipped away at thanks to Kanon's efforts and how underneath her low self-esteem was someone who deeply cared about those around her, who refused to give up on anybody no matter how complex or stubborn they were and made sure to reach out to whenever they needed someone to lean on like a support beacon. Misaki was sturdy and courageous. 

The meteor showers would always remind her of Misaki the same way they reminded her of Kanon. 

"Michelle? Why are you crying?" 

"Michelle"'s head snapped toward Hagumi in one swift motion as one of her paws let fur make contact with more fur 

  
as the head rolled into the lake

whisked away by the gentle stream  


  
and revealing Kanon's tear-filled face with widened eyes.

  
"I'm sorry for lying to a-all of you. I'm...not Michelle, nor could I ever hope to be. I'm sorry for not being able to make the world smile." 

The corners of Kokoro's smile twitched downward and threatened to fall as she watched the head get dragged away by the current. 

Hagumi's eyes widened to the same degree as Kanon's as she went to immediately wrap her arms around the fuzzy body. 

Kaoru's mouth kept opening and closing in vain attempts to produce any sound or noise of reassurance. 

Two more pairs of arms encircled what was left of Michelle. Kanon's gaze never left the lake. 

Who was she to think she was above consequences? She was never fit to be Michelle because she couldn't be replaced nor impersonated. Only the true owner of the suit could bring Michelle's true magic back to life, and any other was a doppelganger whose punishment was nothing short of cruel. Kanon was sure the suit could fit anyone perfectly no matter how tall or small they were, but the mascot had a mind of its own. It'd find a way to differentiate Misaki from everybody else. 

Kanon's price to pay was losing a vital part of Misaki.   
  
  


_"You're not Misaki."_

In just one day, a part of Misaki Okusawa's memory faded from existence.

  
_"Why did you bring me so far away, Misaki-chan?"_

_"I... wanted to give something very important to me this Christmas. I already gave the others some presents way before the day started but I wanted to save yours for last because it's the most important one. That's not to say the others aren't important, of course, but..."_

_"I get it, it's fine! Umm, so... Christ this is so much harder than it needs to be."_

_"Take your time! I can wait."_

_..._

_"I-is this a jellyfish...? When did you make this?"_

_"I had to sorta make it behind your back when you were away. It wasn't easy hiding the materials and all that, but I got it done in time and that's what matters."_

_"I... would saying I love it make you disappointed? It just looks like you put a lot of work into it..."_

_"Not at all. I'm... glad you like it. Really glad. But that's not the gift that's important to me."_

_"Huh? But... I don't see you carrying anything else."_

_"That's because it isn't an object or anything like that, Kanon-san."_

_..._

_"For a long time now, I've... admired you. I looked up to you, mainly when we still did the band and all the music. Your drive to improve, to overcome and push forward with bated breath but filled with determination. How, despite having issues doing so, you weren't afraid to express yourself more and more as time went on. Hell, you were the reason I stuck around with those dummies."_

_"Misaki..."_

_"And I was stuck inside a bear. My only purpose was to play Michelle and make music for you all. I was nothing but a henchman. So I began thinking 'can I be like that, too? Can I be brave?' and instead of it letting gain courage it just made me afraid. Afraid I didn't matter to any of you besides being inside a mascot. I let it kind of drag me into some black abyss I couldn't escape from until you all took my hands and said I was one of you. That I wasn't just Michelle, but I was also Misaki Okusawa."_

_..._

_"I had no idea what was going on every time I looked at you, but then one day I looked up to the meteors and I got lost in thought. Every single one of them was different but they all reminded me of the same person with blue hair and a pigtail, violet eyes and so filled with compassion. Never stuck to one day but always moving onto the next."_

_..._

_"Ahh, sorry! I'm rambling at this point. So, I think... okay, what I'm trying to say is... I love you, Kanon. My Christmas gift to you is my honesty."_

_"I..."_

_"I'm sorry, I know you probably think that's weird, we can just forget this happened and—"_

_"I love you, too."_

_"...what?"_

_"I love you too, Misaki-chan! I look up to you so much, and how you did so much for us but we took it for granted and I'm sorry we did! Every time I look at you I think about how lucky I am to just... see you here with us, even after what we put you through. I should've realized sooner before you lashed out at everyone."_

_..._

_"But the past's in the past, right? So I refuse to take you and your feelings for granted. I love you."_

_..._

_..._

_"Merry Christmas, Kanon."_

_"Merry Christmas, Misaki."_

**Author's Note:**

> i got this done BARELY IN TIME but this is the misakanon thing i referenced in my kokokanon fic and is probably the most effort ive put into something i wrote besides practical problems  
> i love this ship to bits and i PROMISE ill write fluff one day on them or one of my friends will kill me (this fic might start ANOTHER project but we'll see)


End file.
